As Time Goes By....

Howard Ray Gregory

March 17, 1946-June 7, 2005

It has been 3 years. And rarely a day goes by that I don't think about you in some way or another. Our lives continue on...Jason got married. Jessica graduated college. You would have been so pleased! Even though we didn't talk very often, I always felt valued and cherished by you. It's funny how little regrets pop up here and there. If only I had called more often. If only I had gone to visit just one more time. I know those things are so far in the past and I can't change them. So many of those decisions were based on childish responses--deep seated fears and hurts that hadn't been allow to breathe or heal. I am so grateful for the time I had with you at the end. I think I finally started to see you not just as my father, but as my Dad. I became proud of you in a way I hadn't anticipated.

I can accept you are gone. The pain is there, but the sting has diminished. It doesn't smother me or paralyze me in a way it had. I was bitter for a while. And even now, I find myself angry. Angry because I feel robbed or denied having you in my life...presenting you with a grandchild...spending those hours talking about insignificant things--drinking bottomless cups of coffee into the evening. Laughing at silly jokes or stories you tell. I think I got my storytelling gene from you. It is one of my favorite things about me. It is a beautiful gift.
Thank you for that. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and that you haven't been forgotten.